The Wild Rumpus

Yesterday I had a GYN doc appt in Corvalis. Just a regular exam and because of the posibility of this being the kind of cancer that grows when your estrogen levels increase (which the biopsy samples weren't any help indicating that so they won't know until after surgery), she removed my IUD. It didn't have any estrogen in it but it messes with the estrogen in my body so it had to come out. That didn't feel too good which I guess was abnormal. The doc thinks an arm of it may have become embedded and it was a little low. Probably just shifted around after it was placed. Just in case, she had me  get my blood drawn to test for pregnancy. She doesn't think I am but has to take precaution. No one called me back yesterday so that's a good sign. But I feel like since finding out I've won the bad lottery so every other risk and statistic doesn't apply to me now. I know it does and I shouldn't feel that way but it's like if this could happen anything can happen.

Back on track. I went down to their lab to get my blood drawn and they called me and another man back at the same time. We sat across from each other. Luckily they drew a small curtain so I couldn't see his face but it was still a little awkward.
She was going to do me first. She got everything ready and asked me how my Christmas plans are going. Now normally I'd be cordial and just say "fine" but instead I just said ''hmm" and she got distracted and when she came back said "so your Christmas isn't going as planned?" and I lost it. I was so embarrassed. It was the kind of crying where you're snorting. I had been feeling pretty fragile after they took my IUD because I always thought when I had it taken out it would be a happy time, that I'd get to be excited and look forward to trying for another baby. Now I don't even know if I'll ever get to be pregnant again and on top of everything it hurt and I'm doing a pregnancy test where if it came back positive, which would be next to impossible (but now anything is possible) it would be horrible. That seemed so backward to me. You're supposed to be excited at the possibility of being pregnant not wishing with everything you have that you're not when you may never get to be in the future.
Just the other day, before we found out which seems like months ago, Jeff asked Bennett when he wanted a little sister. We even have a name picked out.
After we found out the possibility of me having to have my ovaries taken out Jeff said "We'll just have to adopt a cute little Chinese baby girl". (Jeff served his mission in Taiwan and we've always thought it would be awesome if we could adopt a Chinese baby and Jeff could teach him/her Chinese.) I don't think he realizes the cost and how hard it is to adopt.
So all of this just boiled over. She said "there's so many people who get depressed over the holidays, it just has that effect on people." I wasn't just depressed. I told her I recently found out I have breast cancer and may not be able to have any more kids. I felt sorry for her and the guy sitting across from me. Awkward moment. She hugged me and told me she knew of someone who had breast cancer and now they have the most beautiful baby. I thanked her. As I walked out to the waiting room I was still sniffling and blowing my nose and I could just hear the thoughts of the other people waiting "Are they really that bad!?" "Sheesh it's only a puny blood test".
I just hope and pray that this test comes back negative for this type of cancer. If it does maybe we'll try for another as soon as I get through this. But then I think is it selfish of me to possibly bring a girl into this world with the family history of breast cancer?
*My doctor just called to tell me my pregnancy test was negative.*
I need to concentrate on the fact that I was blessed with two beautiful, healthy boys. I really think this is why I had children so young, why I got married so young.  And why Casey came as quick as he did. I've said it before that I'm just so happy with our little family, but.
I love being pregnant. I love feeling my babies move inside of me and hearing their heart beat at doctor appointments, it's such a blessing to be a vessel for that great miracle. Maybe, hopefully I'll be a vessel for other miracles.