Monday, January 31, 2011


I feel like my blog has become all about me lately. I don't like it. So here's one for my Magooly.
Bennett is seriously the happiest kid I know. (Except when he's sick).  He has so much empathy for others and really cares about someone's emotional well being. He loves everyone, luckily one of his favorite people is Monkey McBean. I hope they stay best friends forever. One day last week Monkey went to play at some one's house and Magooly had to stay home because he was sick. All day he kept saying "I miss my brother".  Then when little brother came home Magooly said "I missed my brother and now he's home!"
They can make each other smile and laugh like no one else can. Magooly took a nap the other day and McBean went in and woke him up. Usually Gooly is cranky when he wakes up from naps, he doesn't take them very often. But from the other room I saw Gooly sit up and smile because his little brother was there playing. Then Gooly came out and sat on the couch, little brother followed and sat next to him and hugged him, climbed on him, put his cheek on his cheek.  It was so stinking cute, Gooly just was smiling the whole time and saying "He loves me." I yelled to Jeff to come quick before he missed all this cuteness. Right after I said that Monkey pushed Gooly off the couch and said "Stop" in a stern way. I told Ben "I guess he's done loving on you".  Ben turns to me and says "I guess the cuteness is over."  Which made me laugh out loud so much it hurt.
I know I'm switching from nicknames to real names but I just can't decide what I want to do on here. It feels silly to keep calling them by their nick names.
Bennett has been so compassionate and careful with me lately.  When he came home from Cinnie and Papa's house after I had my surgery he was so gentle and I think he was afraid to touch me and hurt me. He asked me if they took my boobies off and I told him yes but that in a while I'd get new ones. (I told him all this before the surgery) So now every time he sees someone he tells them "the doctor took my mommy's boobies off because they were sick but they will give her new ones. "
I think he saw me drain my tube (I had some drainage tubes and pain medicine tubes afterward) one day and the next morning the first thing he asked was if I was bleeding. ?? Then I realized he thought my drainage tube from my mastectomy wound had blood in it, I told him no. He looked relieved and hugged me. I hope he didn't have a bad dream about it or something.
Speaking of bad dreams, while he was at Cinnie and Papa's house he dreamt that Jeff had torn up his library card because he was being naughty and this made him very mad. He said he wanted to kick his daddy and throw him there and there. Just for the record this would have been very out of character for Jeff to have done. Jeff is the fun dad, I'm more the disciplinarian.
Last week we had Ben to ourselves (my mom is staying with us for a while) and I had a doctor's appt. to take the last tube out. My mom and Magooly waited in the waiting room while I was seeing the doctor. When I came out Bennett immediately jumped up from what he was doing and asked if I felt better. I told him yes, much better.  He asked if they gave me my new boobies.  I told him that would take a very long time.
Tonight he was dancing for all of us and reminded me so much of some old home movies I've seen of Jeff as a kid dancing and acting goofy.  Jeff says Bennett's serious face while he dances is from me. He calls it my "dancing face".  Ben was so funny, the kid really has good rhythm and he'd break dance and roll around on the floor and then pose when he'd stop on his side with his hand under his head.  I'll post some pics later.
I just love my little Magooly, he takes good care of me. Makes sure I have my water, and my breathing exercise thingy and that I don't yell at Jeff (he's got his dad's back).  Not that I yell at him, he just doesn't like me telling Jeff what to do, um, or how to drive :)
Benny Mike, I love ya boy! I hope you always stay as happy as you are at this age.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Wait, WHAT!?

He lives! He is good! He holds us in His hands and He is in the business of answering prayers!
This whole experience has brought me so much closer to my Heavenly Father, today I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, PRAISE JESUS! Today is the best day ever!
Why you ask? Ok, I'll tell you.
We had an appointment today with Dr. Awesome, my oncologist that would be the one giving me chemo. It was an appointment to find out what kind of chemo I would be getting and when it would start.
We had to wait a bit because he hadn't gotten my pathology report from my surgery yet so he was calling the pathologist to get the info he needed.
He began by telling us that I was Stage 1, it hadn't entered my lymphnodes. We already knew this so we kept waiting to hear more. Then honestly the rest is a blur. I remember hearing:
"Probably won't give you chemo because your cancer wasn't nearly as aggressive as he thought it would be." ("What? " Jeff and I said at the same time, we were sure I'd be getting chemo.)
"Don't know if you had planned on having any more kids (um, yes, actually we were planning on trying at the end of the year before all this started) doesn't look like you'll need to have your ovaries taken out. You are HER+ but that's good because we then know how to help you, Tomoxifin (or however you spell it) is something you can take to block the estrogen from the cancer so it doesn't grow or spread. AND you can get pregnant again (can't take it while pregnant)!!!!!
You are BRACA 1 and 2 negative!!!!
Still waiting to hear back about the P53 gene test.
Still made the best decision by getting a double mastectomy because it cut my risk of re- occurance to below 1% and it was 15% to begin with so that's pretty frickin' awesome!
So we are pretty STOKED! Don't mess with me breast cancer, or my posse! And, whoa, do I have a huge posse!
Heavenly Father has answered our prayers and gone the extra mile in answering my humble prayer that I will be able to get pregnant again! I'm so stoked about this i may not be able to wait as long as we had planned on to get pregnant. Even if I have another little boy it will be so precious to me and I will love having three beautiful boys!
Thank you all for your cards, service, prayers, fasting, visits, books, flowers, meals. I am so humbled by your compassion and service to our family. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers. I pray for all of you every day.
This is a short post but I'm just so happy and excited I can't think right or be eloquent about it all.
Here's to answered prayers!!!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Ta-ta, ta-tas!

My first morning back home and what am I doing? Blogging of course! And reading all my wonderful facebook comments.

The day before my surgery was pretty packed full of stuff. We went to the indoor gym with Aunt Jamie and Brook and then my friend Crystal came over to take some pictures of me and my hair before it's gone. I don't really like posting pictures of just me but i have to because she is an awesome photographer and editor! (I am seriously considering painting my deck pink now, doesn't that look awesome?!)

Went to surgery Thursday morning. Still dark out. Dropped the boy's off at Aunt Jamies, got lots of hugs from her kids but mine were too preoccupide with the Dinasour train. Made it to the hospital and the first thing I see getting out of the car? The cemetary. Yup. Right there next to the parking lot. Not the best thing to be reminded of when going into surgery, you'd think they'd build a wall or something to hide the tombstones from the patients view.

We were running a little late, or probably more like exactly on time but I hate to be exactly on time I prefer to be early, but I had to blow dry my hair. They called me back and just me, my family had to wait until I got all situated.

I went up to my pre surgery room where they got me in this balloon type hosptial gown that blows up with warm air or cold air depending on what I want. Then the nurses and I all started talking about these Breast Cancer awareness shirts we've seen like:

Of course these are fake, but the real ones tried to kill me
Save a life, grope your wife
Save second base (picture of baseball diamond)
Help support my rack

We also talked about running or walking for a cure and different things people have done, I really want to do that someday. Get a bunch of girls and we can wear crazy pink stuff and call ourselves the "Rack Pack".

I was feeling more than a little nervous about going under and just everything. Then a nurse that was going to be in there durring surgery came in and told me she and her sister both had double mastectomies and that I was making a wise decision. We cried together. They had a hard time getting and IV going. I'll have to remember that next time I get one, my veins must be small. So they finally got someone else to come in and try. He was a month younger than me and had two girls the same age as my boys. Eventually they took that one out too because it was hurting and put it in another spot after I was under.
Dr. Harada came in and prayed with me and the nurse. She's such a special lady. She is so kind and really made me feel better. I mean who's doctor asks to pray with them before a procedure? It was pretty much my favorite part of this whole thing.

Then they called my family up, Jeff, my mom, Cinnie Bob, my cousins Ashley and Whitney.
The anestisiaologist came in and he asked what ward we were in. He was LDS too! I told him not to let me wake up before they were done. I was really nervous.
Then another nurse came in and told me how things were going to go for my lymphnode biopsy and they were going to inject a dye to "light up" my lymphnodes and that it would burn for a minute or so and I'd probably want to sock her so they'd have to hold down my arms. Aaaa! I started crying again. (I'm such a baby) But as she was telling me all this the anestisiologist was puting something in my iv and everyone started floating around the room and then the next thing I knew I was waking up 3 hours later in recovery with an elephant sitting on my chest.

I was really sick from the anestia. That was no fun. They would give me this pain medicine, a narcotic, that is currently on my top 10 favorite things in the world list.
One of my most embaressing moments: A young man, must have been 20 or so and an Aide in training came in with my nurse to help check vitals and other stuff. He was kinda nice looking and I was kinda raunchy and disgusting, not that it matters but still pretty embarressing. I remember the nurse before said she'd be back at this time to take out my catheter. I was praying that they'd forget to do that, there was just no way I was going to let that happen.Thank goodness they forgot, but he did empty it. Uhg. Mortified.

I was only in there one night and left at 9pm the next day. I actually thought I'd stay the night again but luckily they called to let my doctor know because she would then have to make another stop by to see me and come to find out my insurance wouldn't have let me stay another night. Phew! That was a close one.

So we came home, very carefully driving like 22 mph so as not to jostle anything. I can seriously feel myself getting better by the hour. I've been home for a little over 24 hours and can sit down and get up out of a chair by myself and brush my teeth, that's pretty much it :)
Thanks to everyone who was fasting and praying for me thursday, I believe your prayers made everything go smoothly and helped me be more at peace about what was happening. Thank you for the flowers and kind words, phone calls. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by such caring, loving people. I don't know what to say, you just have really lifted my spirits.

I see the breast surgeon on Monday, she'll take out my tubes for drainage and pain medication. Then 24 hours after that I'll be able to shower again! So yeah, you probably won't want to come visit me until at least then. ;) Then we meet with my oncologist Friday. I suspect they'll wait to start chemo for at least a month from last thursday to give me time to heal.

I miss my boys. Thank you Cinnie and Papa and Aunt Jamie for taking care of them and giving them extra loves right now. I can't wait to see them again and give them hugs, but for now I can just see them climbing all over me and pulling tubes out and that would just be very bad right now.

Now it's time for me to get some rest, or as much as I can sleeping in a recliner. Oh how I miss my bed!

Monday, January 17, 2011


3 days until I say "ta-ta" to my "ta-tas". I've been haveing weird dreams lately about Casey nursing again or nursing a baby in general, about funerals and death. I had a funny dream that they made my story into a movie and Tom Hanks was going to play me. When it came to the part where he had to have a mastectomy he hired someone else to do it. That's Hollywood for ya. I wish.
I've been having a hard time falling asleep at night because it is then that everything catches up with me. Like for example last night I was worrying about what they'll do with my breasts. I know this may sound lame to some people, but it's not. They are cutting a part of me off, and not just a physical part. These girls provided nutrition for my babies, they're part of my feminineness, motherliness and sexuality. I don't expect anyone to understand. I just have to get it out or I'll bottle it up inside and it won't do me any good.
I asked Jeff, half jokingly if they'd give them to me as ashes in an urn. He just hugged me and asked if I was feeling nervous. Yup. Then I got this vision from Due date where they drink the father's ashes because the guy thinks it's coffee. "This tastes like old stinky bra..." "Oh those are my boobs!" Oh I have a sick sort of humor sometimes. I think I joke when I'm trying to be brave. And then confessing that doesn't make me very brave I guess.
I'm not having a pity party here just processing stuff or whatever.
In church a few weeks ago someone bore there testimony and said they love running in the rain. It was her favorite time to run. She said instead of waiting for the storm to pass you must learn to dance in the rain. I really am trying to learn.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Finally some pictures!

Boys watching a movie in our bed in the bedroom that is now Magooly's room.

I love this little picture strip. Took this back in August or September. I had it on our fridge for a long time and it kept getting pulled down by the kiddos so I decided I should take a picture of it and put it in our computer to preserve it.

My little climber. He climbs up into his highchair now when he's hungry. 

Our favorite family movie right now, can you guess what it is?

My pretty hair :(

I love these girls. For our girls night they threw me a surprise Pink party! Pink strawberry punch (yum) and cupcakes, cake pops. Crystal got me the Save the Tatas shirt and I LOVE IT! And they got me this pink mailbox full of strips of paper that have uplifting thoughts on them so when I get down I can pull one out and read it and feel better. Thank you so much girls, you are all so sweet and I really look forward to our girl nights together.

Update on the boys:
McBean says "I don't want it!" All the time. I told him it was time to go nigh-night and he said "nigh-nigh I don't want!"  He also says:
Thomas, sounds like "mas'
Ready, set, go!
Thank you
Oh No!
and if he's hungry, every thing is "apple" yet if I give him an apple, he just chews it up and spits it out all over the places. He'll do this to the whole apple. So ye be warned if you do give him one. :)

He still pulls his little knees up when you pick him up and hold him on your front like he did when he was newborn, you know the froggy pose? And rests his head on your chest. I love it. He's still so little, makes me feel like he's younger than he is.
He gets embarrassed. If he starts dancing to some music and you say something about it he'll furrow his brow and say "No!" and hold his hand out to you to stop.
When he's up set he'll hold his hands up to his eyes and head like "all is lost", so cute.
He loves to wrestle with Magooly and then get him in trouble for being too rough.
Loves Thomas, comes running when he hears his whistle.

Magooly is learning his letters. I went on a mommy/son date with him and we ate lunch at McDonalds. We were looking at that little paper in the tray with all the nutritional information on it. Don't read it by the way, will make you sick. And he could name almost all the letters I pointed at. We went to Kmart and he picked out some jammies for me and then we went to the library and played his made up game of chess that he loves to play every time we go but I can't because I have to chase C around.

So that's a bit of what's been up.

Everything's PINK :)

Just an update on where I'm at. I have my surgery for a double mastectomy and the first part of the reconstruction process scheduled for the 20th. My mom will be temporarily  moving in with us to help out and Cinnie and Papa are taking the boys that weekend. I'll probably be in the hospital for at least a couple days. And have a few tubes for wound drainage and and pain medication when I come home. (Fun!) I've just decided to go with implants for reconstruction. I was a little against it before but after talking with my surgeon he made them seem the better option.
a.) The ones I'll get (gumi bears- just called that because if they ever break it all stays together and doesn't get seperated) have a life time guarantee and they'll replace them for free if I ever need them to, because implants aren't supposed to last forever.
b.) Less surgery
c.) Shorter surgery, I had mentioned before I wanted the DIEP surgery but that would take him 16 hours! and he said I don't want him working on me for more than 7 hours. Glad he's honest about his limits!
d.) I'll look "normal" in clothing as opposed to doing no reconstruction
e.) I can still do monthly breast exams and have imaging done the way he'll put them in which is behind my chest muscle. This is really important for me as it could be a reoccurring thing.

I'm being tested for BRCA 1 and 2 gene and P53 gene. The results came back negative for the first part of the BRCA test (good news). I'm hoping to be negative for everything of course and negative for my hormone receptors test.

Starting to feel a little nervous about surgery but I just have to keep telling my self my doctors are really good at what they do. They do it a lot and people have gone through this before and are fine. Yeah it's gonna suck big time but I'll be a stronger person once I'm through it and I will get through it.  I have an amazing support system of people who love me, encourage me and are willing to help.  The funny thing is the thing I'm most worried about isn't what I'll look like after, how sick I'm going to be with Chemo or if they'll get all my cancer. It's that I might not be able to have any more babies. That has been really hard for me. I know I'm being dumb and should be grateful I have two beautiful boys and I am! I'm so blessed. I always dreaded the day when we'd have to stop having kids but that seemed so far away and so I'd just push it out of my head when I though about it. But now it's a reality and so much sooner than I ever imagined. Especially since we had a plan of getting pregnant at the end of the year. Now that Monkey Bean is growing so fast and really isn't a baby any more it makes me think about it more. So I'm really praying that all these tests come back negative which would mean I'd get to keep my ovaries. If I have them removed that means I'll go through menopause. Menopause. AT 27! I imagine my self all of sudden waking up from my surgery to take them out old and wrinkled and gray with aches and pains, a mustache and hair growing out of my ears and 50lbs larger wearing MOM PANTS! That's silly, I wouldn't be wearing pants waking up from that surgery, probably a hospital gown.
Well, I'm going to stop now cuz I'm just making my self feel bad. Sorry this post is such a downer. Happier ones will come I promise.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Stuck in my head

I've been listening to this song a lot lately, I feel like it speaks to me right now (how corny is that?)
It's from Dave Mathew's Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King:

I saw a man on the side of the road 
with a sign that read 'will work for food' 
Tried to look busy, 'til the light turned green 

I saw a bear on TV and his friends were all drowning 
cause their homes were turning to water 

A strange, kinda sad, big old bear 
surely would happily eat me 
he'd tear me to pieces that bear 

Wake up sleepy head 
I think the suns a little brighter today 
Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising... 
Summers here to stay, and all those summer games will last forever 
Go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean. 

Tell me everything will be OK if I just stay on my knees and keep praying
believing in something
Tell me everything is all taken care of by those qualified to take care of it all.

Wake up sleepy head
I think the suns a little brighter today 

Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the waters rising 
Summers here to stay, and that sweet summer breeze will blow forever 
Go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean 

One day, do you think we'll wake up in a world on it's way to getting better? 
and if so can you tell me 

I have been thinking that lately the blood is increasing 
the tourniquets not keeping hold in spite of our twisting 
though we would like to believe we are 
we are not in control 
though we would love to believe 

Wake up sleepy head 
I think the suns a little brighter today 
Smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising... 
Summers here to stay, and those sweet summer girls will dance forever 
Go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean.

I'd post this song on my playlist but I can't find it on the Project Playlist website.
I know I've been kinda quiet lately, just wanting to kinda take a break from it all, hard to when I have a doctor's appointment every other day. But I will post an update soon. Right now on our agenda is my double mastectomy scheduled for the 20th. 

My current obsession

Raising Cain, The Emotional Lives of Boys. Read it, just do it. It's only 258 pages long and it will change how you view and interact with boys. If you have a boy in your life, whether you're a parent, teacher, mentor or friend, you need to read this.
"...But as their manuscript progressed, Kindlon and Thompson realized a simple "how-to" would not do. "In the end," they write, "we found that the best advice we had to offer was simply to understand boys as they truly are ­ rather than as they appear or as we wish them to be. Our deepest wish is to pull aside the curtain boys so tenaciously draw around themselves and offer you a look inside their hearts and minds. If we succeed, we hope that you will see more clearly the ways in which our culture conspires to limit and undermine their emotional lives. We hope you will understand boys better, and above all, we hope you will enjoy them more"
Read an interview with one of the authors, Dan Kindlon, PH.D. here.