The "C" word

I never in a million years thought I'd say this. I joked about it with Jeff if we went out and I had no makeup on  " Everyone will think I have"...it.
I have a hard time even saying it. I have Cancer.
Totally crazy, right? Totally.
But true.
The story:
So the night before Magooly's birthday I was taking a shower with both my boys. I was washing my hair and decided to just use the shampoo to wash the rest of me. I never do this. I don't know if this helped me find it but it sticks out in my mind. And I found a lump. A very hard to miss lump. I yelled for Jeff. With soap in my eyes I told him to see if he could feel it, if I wasn't crazy. He felt it and told me I should call the doctor. I didn't have a doctor here. I've been pretty healthy since we moved back except the time I had the flu really bad, should have gotten a doctor then. (I went to urgent care for that.)  I tried to get in to see one at the clinic Jeff goes to but it wouldn't be until the next week. Yeah right, I couldn't wait that long so I went to Urgent Care the next morning. I felt so bad we were doing all this on Magooly's special day. We dropped the boys off at my Sister in law's house and Jeff and I went to the doctor.
She gave me an exam. She sounded really positive it wasn't anything I needed to worry about. She thought she felt it moving around which was a good sign. But it still felt significant enough to her for me to have a Mammogram and ultrasound done. So I scheduled one for that same day.
Again I felt so bad this was taking over B's birthday. I had all these plans of what we'd do that day.
Then later I went to my mammogram appointment. It was a different experience. Having someone smoosh you into this machine that just keeps smooshing you and you feel like it won't stop and you can't breathe and you're afraid there is something wrong and it's going to not stop and just pinch your boob right off, it finally stops. They had to do that to both sides and more to the side where I found the lump. Then I had the ultrasound. The tech found the lump and then brought in the doctor. The whole time I'm looking at this dark mass and thinking "okay, last night online it said if it's dark to be concerned but if it's light it's fine". Then the doctor tells me it's definitely not a cyst and that I need to schedule a biopsy.
The doctor at urgent care told me she would go over the results with me and then we'd schedule a biopsy. So when this doc was brought in to look and feel it and then just told me it wasn't a cyst and schedule a biopsy I started to cry. The tech reassured me that it could be a number of things, most benign and with my age and family history I shouldn't worry. Of course I worried.
They couldn't get me in for a biopsy for another WEEK! Longest week of my life - so far.
A few days before my biopsy a doctor from urgent care called me to have me go in and go over the results with him. I told him they had me schedule a biopsy. He said that's what he would have done too so I never went over every thing with him but he did say that there was a 1 in 10 chance it was breast cancer and because of my age and family medical history it was less. Very reasuring actually.
Biopsy day. I was so scared of it hurting. Jeff went with my and held my hand the whole time. The only thing that really hurt was when they numbed the area. What sucked was it was right in front of me and if I wasn't careful I could see everything they were doing. And when they took the samples out (they took 2) they used this vaccum type thing that made a loud sound like when you get your ears pierced. And the pressure was weird. I just kept thinking "take it all!".   But it took him maybe 15 minutes. It was fast and I felt so relieved when it was over. I felt like this was just a precaution just to make sure it's something not to be worried about. Afterward he let me look at the samples he took, it was interesting. And they showed me this tiny medal clip they inserted into the lump to mark it.
Afterward Cinne offered to watch the kids longer so we could have dinner and see a movie which I appreciated, it gave me something to look forward to. We ate at Roadhouse Grill and saw Harry Potter. (By the way, I could so live in the Weasly house. I loved it! Rustic cottage is definitely my style and I loved her table cloth and just every thing!)
Oh, I forgot about my new patient appointment. So a couple days before my biopsy I went in to get established with a doctor. He was so young! But I like him. He went over my mammogram and ultrasound results with me. The mammogram results made me feel really good. It made it sound like they didn't find anything but maybe some fatty tissue. The ultrasound is what scared me. It said they found a mass with irregular sides. (It said much more but that's what stuck out because I had read online that if it has smooth sides (which I thought it had from looking at it) that you didn't need to worry, but irregular sides to worry. I told my doctor this and he said that worrying wasn't going to change the outcome, that I was doing everything right by doing a biopsy and getting this checked out.  He told me to call him the day after the biopsy to find out the results. In fact he told me to call him in the morning and that he would tell me over the phone what it was so I wouldn't have to worry.
So the morning after I call his office, he's busy. An hour later I call back, really busy and backed up and his nurse will call me as soon as the results come in. 5pm the nurse calls and tells me my doctor would like to set up an appointment on Monday to go over the results. BIG RED FLAG to me. Yeah right, there's no freaking way I'm going to wait over the WEEKEND knowing that they know but won't tell me. This must be bad. Of course though, being the non confrontational person I am I say okay and schedule an appt. After I hang up I get so pissed I call back and tell her I can't wait that long, I need to know and he needs to call me and just tell me over the phone and we can still go in on Monday and go over every thing. She tells me he's in with a patient and will be for the next hour but when he's done she'll talk to him and she'll call me back. I verified with her that they had the results, she said yes but she didn't know what they were (yeah right). Jeff gets on the phone with her and tells her that if the doctor won't tell us over the phone HE better be the one to call back, not her, because Jeff was going to be upset.
A little over an hour later the doctor calls. I answer. The kids are screaming in the background so Jeff and I go into their room and shut the door. All I remember him saying is that he usually doesn't like to do this over the phone because there's much to discuss but he understood me wanting to know right away and not waiting over the weekend. It was breast cancer.
I think I handled the rest of the call pretty well, although I don't remember much of it.
We explained to B afterward that the reason Mommy and Daddy were crying was because Mommy got hurt and we were scared. Mommies and Daddies get scared too but everything will be okay. I felt bad that he saw us cry.
That night we told our families and they have all been so wonderful and supportive.
I put C to bed and B had a hard time going to sleep. I think he was a little scared about what was going on.
That night we looked breast cancer up on Wikipedia and felt a little more optimistic. As time goes on I feel more and more optimistic.
Today I spoke with my cousin who had Hodgkin's lymphoma and she gave me tips and advice on chemotherapy, even offered a blond wig when i need it, if I need it. She was very positive and it was very reassuring. And my other cousin, her sister, worked in an oncologist's office specializing in breast cancer so she's pretty knowledgeable in that area. She might come to our appointment to take notes Monday.

Right now my thoughts:
I wonder what my head looks like bald. I hope it's not lumpy.
I've always wanted to see what I'd look like with a boy cut, or pixie cut like Hermione
Is this why I feel tired? Is this a cold I have too or part of cancer?
I can't get the word 'cancer' out of my head.
I'm so fine with them taking my breast as long as I get through this
Christina Applegate
Will we miss going to Disneyland next September?
So glad this happened before we planned and paid for our trip
Glad this happened right before we blew our tax refund
Glad that it's breast cancer and not a scarier kind
I want to start treatment NOW
maybe I should donate my hair to locks of love
how will this affect my family, tough times are ahead for sure.
I hope the boys never remember this
Maybe I should ask to be released from my calling
I'm so blessed with a family who loves me so much, they have shown me so much love and have been so supportive.
will chemo make me infertile?
Should I wait to tell everyone else?


Today we met with my general practitioner and he went over the results some more. We don't know what stage I'm at or much of anything until I meet with my breast surgeon and do more tests. I meet with the breast surgeon tomorrow and hopefully (finger's crossed) by the end of the week or beginning of next week I'll have the surgery. I do know I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It's the most common form of breast cancer. Because it's invasive they will be more aggressive in the treatment. Invasive just means it's spread beyond the duct but they won't know how far until the lymph node biopsy.

I'm feeling really good right now about the people who are taking care of me and just how everything has fallen into place. We moved back here where we're closer to family AND good medical care, our Bishop is a physician, I have a cousin who's gone through cancer so I have someone to get advise from and talk to about that, my other cousin was an assistant in a breast surgeons office were they treated many breast cancer patients. My Bishop blessed me that I'll see miracles and my body will be whole again. So, I'm pretty optimistic.

I'm going to so kick breast cancer's butt.